Hi guys! =)
It’s been a while since I last updated so… I think I’m going to tell you a bit about what’s going on in my life as of lately. I don’t like to justify myself in any way, but there’s people out there who I care about that might be wondering what happened to me, but being as I am… well, let’s say it’s difficult to me to manage a normal/fluent conversation without feeling drained.
First things first, there’s still people who don’t believe me when I say this but I am a very introvert one. I need so much time to get used to talking to a person many think I just don’t care about them at all. I get too nervous and too anxious when meeting anyone new that if it’s not them talking to me, I won’t say a word… So at first, it may be difficult talking to me. And this is the very part of my personality that more times than not, prevents me from publishing anything. There’s also this thing about introvert persons that… for whatever reason, we feel as if our energy is drained out of us. Is not intentional and it’s not an excuse for running away from a conversation. It feels like my batteries would run out whenever I meet anyone (be it physically or virtually) and then I need a period of alone time to recover.
That said, I worked for the most horrible, miserable international company for 2 years, to which I finished working with July 2018. Those were the longest 2 years in my life, I swear. So I decided to start stuying again (an upper degree about web development). But it didn’t go too well… I’ve been figthing with depression for about… 16 years now? And that last job did a good job in sinking me even deeper than I already was. I’ve been fighting intrusive thoughts for the last 5 or 6 years (or even longer, I can’t really say), but during and after that job, these intrusive thoughts started to be more frequent. So going back again to last year, in November I hit a new record of depths. Adding this to an argument I had with a teacher (who oh so loved to make us feel useless and ignorant, an another one who didn’t give a flying f*ck about his teachings) I felt completely cornered, to the point that as much frightened as I felt, I had to reach out for help cause I truly thought any of those days I would reach the ‘no turning back’ point.
So… I went to therapy for the next 4 months. But it didn’t help me at all. It was supposed to be healing but instead, I would feel worse and worse after each session. In the meanwhile, I decided to drop school, cause my head would hurt so much, I couldn’t focus on anything else. Those headaches dissapeared the very moment I took that decision. But I still felt… empty? Like, there was not even one single reason for me to wake up at mornings, I didn’t care at all if I ate or not and enclosed myself in my room for weeks. I think my record in not leaving my home it’s on 20 days in a row? Something like that… Meantime, I’d watch movies, tv shows, animes… only for the next day to be as the one before. I can’t remember too much about what happened, who I met nor what we talked about in the last 6 months, very much alike as if I had been anesthetized from my own life.
Then, latter in May, I got to benefit from my dad’s healthcare insurance due to be unemployed (and not perceiving any kind of income) and my family doctor diagnosed me with severe anemia. So I started to treat it. Then, I got an appointment with the otorhinolaryngologist (’cause I live with a persistant buzz in my head) and the gynecologist (’cause I needed to follow up with my ovaries, as I had a cyst some years ago… and in the public system wouldn’t give me any appointment till next year…) and well… Things are like this:
I have completely lost the natural pose for the cervical vertebrae, which may be causing the constant buzz (and also explains my now usual dizzyness and lack of concentration)
I have a 3 cm cyst I need to have an eye on from the time being.
Also, my gynecologist recommended me to have my breasts removed, as it seems I’ve a high chance of getting breast cancer.
Thing is… As horrible as this may sound, I feel more at ease now. I’ve been getting pills for the anemia and muscle relaxants (more like antidepressants) for the last month and my mind is starting to slow down, giving me a huge break from myself. The moment the gynecologist told me it would be a good idea to have my breasts removed, I felt in peace with myself. She has been the first person in my life to tell me that. Almost everyone I told I’d like to do it, have looked at me shocked, horrified, as if I was insane or something. So now I have a medical advice to back me up for whenever I get to collect the money, I’ll be free to go under surgery without anyone judging me.
Also, last month I applied to college to study the thing I’ve always been interested in >> English philology.
So, all in all… 2019 might be my year (finally ;A;)
I think now all my depression came because all of the medical attention I needed (and I lacked in the public system) and the approval of a medical specialist I wasn’t aware I so much needed to take a major surgery as it’s removing my breasts.
So yeah… I’ve been kind of restless/confussed/discouraged/anxious and a completely mess for the most part of last year… I only hope that step by step I’ll be over this soon enough, cause I couldn’t go on with the mental breakdown any longer -__-
As I said at the beginning, I don’t like to excuse myself… But I really didn’t have space at all in my head to think about any other thing that wasn’t myself, thus why my lack of activity.
I hope you can understand… and to the silent ones that still have an eye on me, thanks for sticking in there for so long, even if I’ve been so absent ;__; I’m aware you often visit my page to see if there’s any update… And for that, I’m truly grateful, really TTwTT
Hope everything is going better on your end! >3<
See you around!!